The worst day of the year.
I hate this day. Woke up extra griefy today. Some years I have tried to pretend it was not happening. Other years I have just let myself be taken by it.
No matter what I choose to do, this day is always filled with emotion. I sometimes feel like this is my penance. The price that I pay for being the sole survivor. I say this not because I blame myself, or that I seek pity, but rather to express the enormity of knowing that a matter of seconds changed our fates forever. This is something that is never, for one moment lost on me. You see, Emma and I were bonded together as the best of friends, but more than that, Emma is the reason that I am still here. So today, on the anniversary of the worst day of the year, I cannot help but embark on a rollercoaster of emotions.
I feel an immense amount of sadness that Emma is not here; anger that two men made a stupid, frivolous decision that led to her death; guilt that Emma died and I lived (yes I know it is not my fault); indebted that Emma’s actions saved my life; resentment that this is my life; gratitude for the Bailey family and their continued friendship; responsibility that because Emma saved me, I must honour her by living; but most of all heartbreak. Heartbreak that Emma and I did not get to live out our dreams together. Heartbreak that she did not get more time. Heartbreak that Emma is not here today.
Sixteen years later and I still cannot believe that she is gone. Somedays I can close my eyes and go back to that last weekend Emma and I spent together, exploring Wales, surfing and planning our future together. I can see her smile. I can hear her laugh. I am so thankful for that laugh.
The thing about grief is that it never really goes away. I will always miss Emma. Grief changes because you change. Like the tide, the waves of grief start to feel less intense because you learn to better brace for their impact. But every once in a while - like today for me - you will catch a wave that completely takes you under. Luckily by now, I have learned to swim.
Today I’m thankful for my husband. His unconditional love and acceptance. I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for the friends that never forget to check in on me today. I am thankful that I got to spend the afternoon with my friends that are family engulfed by their love and the joy of the next generation of little ones.
